Four Loko:
This abomination in a can should come with a warning label that says, "May cause instant regret and killer hangovers while you're still drinking it." It's like someone took a meter-long pixie stick from a candy store, liquified it, and mixed it with jailhouse toilet liquor. The amount of money pumped into this drink over the years should have been used to tweak the formula and take some of the edge off. But no, they decided to keep it as a weapon of mass destruction for party-goers everywhere.
Fireball:
Ever wondered what it's like to deepthroat Satan's cock while he's sporting a cinnamon rolled rubber? Well, look no further than Fireball. It's not for the faint of heart or stomach. This drink has caused more nights of treacherous heartburn and a slow drip of cinnamon that lasts through the rest of the night than any other drink on the market. It's a reign of terror that's finally slowing down, but the memories of the hell it's caused on our intestines will haunt us forever. Just make sure to keep the tums at the ready.
Twisted Tea:
This is hands down one of the most disgusting inventions of the past decade. You come home after a long day at work, craving that satisfying crack of a cold beer, only to find an uncarbonated can of well-marketed taint sweat in the back of the fridge. And who thought it was a good idea to sell it in a bag? What psychopath drinks spiked tea from a bag at a party? No wonder all the bathrooms are broken during parties - the ladies are destroying their intestines with 42 servings of this abomination then proceeding to jump around to Mr. Brightside for half an hour.
El Toro :
You decided to switch it up and get festive with some tequila, but instead of a smooth sipping experience, you ended up with a bottle that has a tiny hat as a lid (we've all been there, don't worry). And what followed was one of the most disgustingly blacked out nights of your life. Take the cheap price as a warning label, steer clear of this liquor on your next booze run unless you want to wake up with a throbbing headache and memories that you'd rather forget.
So there you have it, folks. Four rants on why your favorite alcohols are nothing but overrated disasters waiting to happen. Cheers to making better choices and better choices in the future.
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