Prepare yourselves for a horse and buggy ride into the world of the Amish. We're about to shed a view behind those seemingly innocent bonnets and beards, and trust me, it's gets weirder than your small hometown divebar after 2:00am.
You've seen the movies, watched the trashy tv shows, and laughed at the quirky portrayals of the Amish. Let's get real here the reality should be a little more concerning to people. These folks live under the thumb of power-hungry bishops who make Kim Jong-un look like a Bernie Sanders. They dictate every single aspect of Amish life, and I'm not just talking about curfews and curdled milk.
What's truly surprising is the sheer variety of Amish communities out there. You piss off your bishop? No worries, just pack up the 17 year old wife, 3 children nephews, butter churner and move a few miles down the road. Instant cult leader status, it's like playing Sims but you're creating your very own Jamestown.
These power-hungry bishops rely on the oldest trick in the book religion to keep their flock in line. Forget about using a cell phone; that's a one-way ticket to eternal damnation. Thinking about knocking boots before marriage? Well, strap on your chastity belt because it's a sin worse than stealing a buggy. Don't you dare even think about wearing anything other than the batered housewife designer line,
Here's where things get really twisted. If you dare to defy these absurd rules, get ready for the Amish version of being ghosted "shunning". It's like being excommunicated from your own community, except instead of getting a fancy letter from the Pope, you get ignored. No eye contact, no conversation, and definitely no invites to the barn raising. It's like being trapped in an awkward family dinner where nobody wants to talk to you.
Forget about getting your own food like a normal person. As shown on the trashy reality tv hit show "Breaking Amish" in certain communities if shunned you're served like a prisoner on death row. Just sit in the corner, munch on your mystery casserole, and pray that your food isn't laced with arsenic. You know, because the bishop might see or be reported too if you touch the serving spoon and have tainted the food making it unholy.
Rumspringa, which translates to "running around" in Pennsylvania Dutch, is the Amish version of a rebellious gap year. But here's the twist: it's like giving a brazzers account to someone whose only jerked it to a suggestive looking stump in their back yard. These Amish teens, who have been sheltered from the modern world their entire lives, are suddenly faced with a mind-boggling decision. They can either embrace the "English" world, complete with smartphones, MTV, and pornhub or they can turn their backs on it and forever remain within the confines of their Amish community leaving them grappling with an existential crisis. On one hand they may have the self-realization to break out of their own cult-community but it would mean never speaking to their family again and in some instances bringing shame upon their families if they leave.
So, the next time you see those horse-drawn buggies coming down the road maybe take a minute to think is it really as quirky and cute as you thought it was before?
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