Streaming Services: Congrats, We Invented Cable Again

There was a time when Netflix was the chosen one. For ten bucks a month you could stream The Office, watch three Adam Sandler movies back-to-back, and feel like you’d outsmarted the greedy cable companies once and for all. Cord-cutters strutted around like revolutionaries. “Down with cable!” we cried, as we smugly canceled our $120 Comcast bill.

Fast-forward a decade, and here we are — broke, annoyed, and paying six different companies just to watch reruns of Kitchen Nightmares. Congratulations, everybody: we’ve officially reinvented cable, but with worse names.

It started small. Netflix. Maybe Hulu. Easy. Manageable. Then Disney realized they own half of human culture and launched Disney+. NBC wanted in, so they gave us Peacock — which sounds less like a streaming service and more like a sketchy knock-off energy drink. HBO, not to be outdone, rebranded to Max — because why not pick the most generic name imaginable for a service that costs more than a tank of gas.

And now? You’re juggling Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Max, Apple TV+, Peacock, Paramount+, Amazon Prime, and some free trial you forgot to cancel in 2021 that’s still quietly robbing you every month.

We used to mock cable for bloated packages. Now we’ve built our own Frankenstein bundle out of streaming apps. Except this time, you get the privilege of being your own idiot cable guy.

Hulu raises prices twice a year. Disney+ went from “affordable” to “mortgage payment” in record time. And Amazon had the audacity to add ads into Prime Video, even though you’re literally paying for Prime.

We laughed at our parents paying $120 a month for cable. Add up your streaming services, Spotify, and the three ad-free “upgrades” you swore you wouldn’t buy, and congrats — you’re back in the same price range. Except now, instead of channel surfing, you spend 45 minutes scrolling and end up watching The Office… again.

here’s the plot twist: bundles are back. The very thing streaming was supposed to murder. Disney+ + Hulu + ESPN. Paramount+ + Showtime. Verizon offering “free” Netflix when you sign up for another overpriced phone plan.

We’ve come full circle. The rebellion failed. The revolutionaries sold out. Within five years, someone’s going to roll all these services back into one mega-package with a set-top box and a bloated monthly bill. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is… cable. Only this time, it’s wrapped in a shinier interface and corporate greed is the brand mascot.